I have been feeling my age lately. Not that I feel old, I just mean that I have thought a lot recently about the undeniable reality that all of us face, which is that once time has passed there is no getting it back.
I had a pregnancy scare (!) that was just yesterday confirmed unfounded. I had a tubal ligation after my last baby was born so a pregnancy was unlikely, albeit possible. Finding out that I was not, in fact, pregnant, was a good thing, but it got my wheels turning.
I have never understood women who are unwilling to admit their true age, nor those who cover up their gray hairs. I have always thought that you are who you are and you'd better be willing to accept that fact or you're in for a rough life. But coming to the point in my life where I am definitely finished bearing children and finally putting that stage of life firmly in my past is strange to me. All of my life up until now has held the possibility of future children. Now I know that I have all of the children that I'm going to have and must focus my attention on the teaching and raising of those children.
Something else that has been a constant in my life is my relative youth. While I don't feel old, I know that the days in which I am part of the younger 50% of the population are numbered. Having these major changes in my life has caused a lot of thinking. I'm not sad to bid adieu to my child-bearing years, really. I enjoyed having children but the time has come to move on from that stage. It's also a novelty to me to have friends younger than me who are mothers. It's a shift, as I have been a part of the "new mom" crowd for so long.
I'm not sure where all of these thoughts are taking me. It's not depressing to think of these things. It's not really joyous either. I'm facing these changes with resolve. They are part of life that can't be changed.
I'm interested to see where I go from here.
2 comments:
What a strange realization that must be. Very thought-provoking, indeed. It's always so weird when you realize one chapter of your life has come and gone, never to be revisited.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm realizing my window of opportunity for having children is continuously shrinking. It freaks me out sometimes when I think, well here I am, still single, with the man of my dreams far from my sight, and my prime child-bearing years are quickly slipping away. Will I be one of those "old" moms? What if it takes ten more years before I meet Mr. Right.... will I even be able to have children at all by that time? That makes me incredibly sad sometimes.
Anyhow.... I applaud your coming to terms with this realization with such grace and acceptance. You're an awesome lady, and an awesome momma, to be sure!
Crazy, isn't it? I was always so unsure that I would ever feel "done" with the child-bearing stuff. But, I too am DONE. The last few years of pregnancy hell convinced me of that! And, now I too find myself looking at this new stage of life. It is strange, but I also see more of "myself" coming back to me. As my children age and become more self-reliant, I have a little more time to myself, albeit very LITTLE.
I have had this strange thought for a long time about if I were asked the question,"who am I" and had to answer who I am in relation to just myself (not mom, wife, maid...etc.) what would I say?!? There was a time I could say "artist" or "optician" or "photographer", but I do look forward to finding more of that self again.
P.S. Try turning 40, it really gets the wheels turnin'....
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