Monday, August 3, 2009

The Legend of Lady McBennett

In the summer of 2008, a youngish woman came down into the land of Seagull Bay, in the county of Power. She brought with her a husband, two sons, a daughter and a tired old dog, along with the unplanned baby in her womb.

And verily, there was much work to be done upon the house which was to be rented.

And verily, the heat of the sun did beat down upon the gestating woman, insomuch that she did lay on the couch near the window-mounted air conditioner.

And summer slowly gave way to fall. And upon the first day of fall, the woman did give birth to a fine son.

The children grew in knowledge, strength and back talk as fall changed to winter and winter changed to spring.

And in the spring, the woman and her family did make their way to the local farm and ranch store to purchase some fowl with which to delight the senses of the family and produce eggs to nourish their bodies.

And the fowl did lodge in the wading pool in the laundry room.

And the stench of the fowl did become so great and the number of the fowl's excrement did also become great, insomuch that the woman did beseech her husband to helpeth her to build a chicken coop.

And the coop was built and the woman did see that it was a fine coop, built in the redneck fashion.

The spring weather grew ever warmer, and the woman did peruse the local craigslist frequently. And it came to pass that she did happen upon an ad for bottle-fed goats. And the woman did beseech her husband, children and close friends to purchase baby goats. And it came to pass that the goats were purchased and housed with the fowl in the chicken coop.

The goats were exceedingly cute and did tug upon the heartstrings as they bleated for their bottles every morning at dawn. And the tired old dog became used to the goats, and chased them not.

And it came to pass that some of the fowl did pass away, and the woman tarried to the local store to purchase ten more fowl.

And it came to pass that she often forgot to fill the chick waterer, insomuch that the baby birds did hop upon the goat's water trough and several of them did drown. And after several narrow misses, the tired old dog did develop a fondness of chasing chickens, and soon thereafter a fondness for the taste of raw chicken flesh.

And the day came when there were but two of the new chicks left; and the woman did tarry again to the farm store to purchase eight more chicks. And soon there were but two of the third set of chicks left. And the woman decided that enough was enough.

And it came to pass that the goats did become weaned, and were allowed to freely roam about the yard. And the goats did require daily reminders that they were not allowed in the house nor upon the furniture.

And they did nibble upon the flourishing sunflowers which the woman had so tenderly planted. And the woman did wail and there was much gnashing of her teeth.

And it came to pass that the young daughter did pee-eth in her pants and her counselor suggested that if the young girl child was to have a pet of her own that it may help to keep her pants dry.

And so the woman and her husband did read much concerning the raising of pet rabbits, and the litter box training of rabbits. And they did search the land for the best (cheapest) rabbits to be found.

It came to pass that the family did journey to the land of Fort Hall, where a suitable rabbit was purchased. And the woman did see that the rabbit was exceedingly cute, and she did long for a rabbit of her own.

It came to pass that the family left the rabbit breeder's house with two baby bunnies. And verily, their names were Sergeant Pepper and Sir Francis.

And it came to pass that the family did again journey to the farm and ranch store, and purchase many materials with which to build a home for the rabbits.

And the woman and her husband tarried late into the night, carefully crafting the Rabbitat.

And behold, several days did pass and the woman learned lessons of waterproofing the bottom of an indoor rabbit house.

And behold, the urine of the rabbits did stink much, and the mound of their excrement did grow larger every day.

And it came to pass that the sunflowers began to sprout new leaves, and the woman began to feel forgiveness in her heart toward the goats Humperdink and Flopsy.

And the woman noted with warmth in her heart that her trellis of morning glories was beginning to climb, and to flourish.

And then those bastard goats did eat them, too, and also the new leaves of the sunflowers.

2 comments:

Perpetual Mommy Exhaustion said...

So funny, so cute, so true. The last line SLAYED me. I laughed out loud for a while. I'm still chuckling.

Greg and Gwen said...

You crack me up!!! Definitely theraputic writing ;) and it makes for a very entertaining read!

Ummm, and pretty glad we didn't run into that skunk this morning. If you think about it, we really missed him by at least 30 minutes since that's how long we chatted at your drive way ;)