Monday, January 5, 2009

Livin' Life in the 'Hood, the Motherhood

Today has been a normal house wife sort of day. I've picked up dirty laundry, changed diapers, made bottles, snuggled babies and many of the other things that fall into my job description. As I've worked today, I've realized that motherhood has blessed me with wisdom that I wouldn't otherwise have been granted. I have learned:

  • You should never lie to the woman who washes your laundry. A basket full of dirty clothes reveals a host of secrets.
  • Crayons, green plastic army men, carrots and olives do not digest.
  • You should never underestimate a child, especially a toddler. They are much wilier than you may give them credit for.
  • Not many things on earth are cuter than a naked toddler bum.
  • A regular old Dum Dum sucker can cover over 40 square feet of non-washable surfaces with a sticky film.
  • Well-meaning strangers do not understand the havoc a Dum Dum can wreak. Do not try to educate them, just politely decline and let them think you are a troll of a mother.
  • The writers of PBS children's shows have no concern for the sanity of parents.
  • Hell hath no fury like the mother of a child scorned.
  • Words and actions which you had considered private will be returned to you, usually in a public and embarrassing manner.
  • It really is possible to love someone so much that you care more for their well-being than your own.
  • The shriek of a hungry toddler can clear the dining room of a restaurant fast.
  • A solitary crayon, when put through the clothes dryer, is a formidable weapon.
  • The amount of damage inflicted upon a personal item by a child is proportionate to the newness and personal value to the owner of said item.
  • Index fingers are custom made to fit the nostrils of their owners. In addition, some index fingers fit very nicely in the nostrils of Cocker Spaniels.
  • "Disgusting" is a relative term.
  • Infants are surprisingly resilient. Grandparents do not understand this fact.
  • Oreos are laxatives.
  • Children can sense when the head of the most tired parent hits the pillow and they choose this time to cry.
  • If you leave stray grapes under the couch for a few months they will turn into raisins.
I guess some knowledge has to be learned first-hand.

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